"Lord, show me what you want me to be..."
It's a question I probably gave a thousand hours of think time to each and every day in the past or atleast it seemed like it. While I still think daily how God might use me or what he might be testing my faith with, I no longer think I have to be something else other than what I am. Let me share with you my heart on this topic...
My whole life people have always said "Ty, you'd be good at (insert occupation)" and while I find that to be encouraging and at times humbling...it never seems to attract me in a way that I'm like, "Yeah, if I was doing that I'd feel complete."
Because really it's still an occupation, not a passion or something you choose to do. Any occupation you do in part, albeit it tiny for some, because you have to. You need the money it provides in order to take care of your family. Which is why sometimes the greatest things in our lives that we enjoy are our hobbies or activities we do without an inkling of "having to".
Now if I could do one of those hobbies or outside work activities for a living that would be awesome...right?! Wrong, slowly overtime it would become just another job...atleast that's how I see it. One which I would go to in part for the fact I have to in order to provide for myself, my wife and my future family. So why would I want to "ruin" a passion I have in the long run just for the short term pleasure of getting to do something I love and get paid for it?!
Those of you who know me, know my Lord is always at the forefront of everything I do...well or atleast I strive for that to be the case. I fail at times and will never pretend otherwise. I fail to keep Him at the forefront, but as I get older I've began to realize that life doesn't seem nearly as big or insurmountable if I keep Him first. It's rarely the most attractive thing to do or the first thing our flesh desires but in the end it gives the greatest award. Being a pastor is something many people have inserted in that sentence I shared earlier, "Ty, you'd be good at 'being a pastor' ". While I find that extremely humbling and I can't express how awesome that is that God obviously is using me enough for others to feel that way, however I don't feel God has called me to do that and I'll explain why.
I grew accustomed to nightly praying to God, "Show me what you want me to be, where you feel I should go with me life!?". If He told me to go and lead (be a pastor), I would go...likewise if he told me to do something else, I would follow that as well. I kept recieving the same message from Him as I searched for answers from Him, "Stay honest, stay humble and show my love to others". Frustrastion set in as I began to realize this answer was neither a yes or a no...so I prayed even harder thinking that would help me get closer to an answer.
He simple kept responding the same, "Stay honest, stay humble and show my love to others". I can still remember thinking maybe He just wants to test me to see if I can do that, and if I accomplish or pass the test He'd reveal the answer. Well I learned that no matter what I did in 'service' with the intent of gaining an answer out of it I seemed to actually be losing ground on understanding. (I was doing service for all the wrong reasons)
I can still remember the night I had that "daylight breaking through the night" moment. I was listening to music on random play and
Background (click to listen)
by Lecrae came on...one of my favorite songs ever to grace my ears, but for some reason this time I felt God was whispering the lyrics to me. I can remember closing my eyes and just listening, no questioning just pure listening. From the verses to the refrain I felt like God was honestly the one delivering the words to my ears. As a tear rolled down my cheek I can remember thinking, "Alright, I have no clue where to go but okay Lord." You see that song is about what a true Christian life should be like...playing the background to a play or show.
I think for so long I kept asking the Lord what He wanted me to do or be to make an impact in this world or lead others to make an impact...I was so confused. He doesn't call us to make an impact or give us the power to change lives...He gives us the chance to be an instrument or a tool that when used by His hands
will change lives (including our own). I for so long asked how I can use myself for His glory, naively thinking I could have the power to make a change on my own so long as I "go where He calls me". I had fallen into the trap of thinking me asking it to be His will made me in some fashion worthy...but to truly ask His will to be done means I first needed to realize I'm unworthy of anything He pours out onto me...change can only happen when I take a backseat, or play the background in this scene called life.
My prayers shifted that night from "Lord, show me what you want me to be" to "Lord, here is this puddle of sin called Ty...do with it as you see fit". I'll admit by praying those words I was leaving the door wide open, I was no longer asking God to tell me what to be or do with my life...I was asking Him to take over my life in a way I'd only touched now and then.
No longer was I asking him how I should use my life to make a Godly impact...I was asking Him to take my life, given to God, to make an impact in all aspects of my life! By doing this it was amazing the clarity and the peace I began to find in my Lord...no longer thinking or relying upon my own wisdom or power I truly began to feel like God was going to use me in a fashion like the words to hide and go seek, "Ready or not here I come".
For so long I figured in order to do God's work I had to be at a different place in my life. Either a different job, different location on this Earth or some greater understanding of why I am where I am. I was so naive in the fact that He can take any and use them as an instrument of change...if He decides it. All we have to accept is we are un-worhty of the lead and can only play the
background.
So I must ask you, are you willing to play the
background? It's not a comfy world to live in, playing the
background that is...because you don't know where God is going to lead you, you just have to follow by
staying honest, staying humble and sharing His love with others. There really isn't anything more than that involved in following God. So go ahead put on your tree costume and stand there in the background and let God take center stage; together we can help keep eachother honest, humble and sharing His love to others, by keeping ourselves in...the
background.
Yo, I had a dream that I was captain of my soul
I was master of my fate, lost control, and then I sank
So I don't want to take the lead, 'cause I'm prone to make mistakes
All these folks who follow me, goin' end up in the wrong place
So just let me shadow you, just let me trace your lines
Matter of fact, just take my pen, here, you create my rhymes
'Cause if I do this by myself, I'm scared that I'll succeed
And no longer trust in You, 'cause I only trust in me
And see, that's how you end up headed to destruction
Paving a road to nowhere, pour your life out for nothin'
You pulled my card, I'm bluffin', You know what's in my hand
Me, I just roll and trust you, You cause the dice to land
I'm in control of nothing, follow You at any cost
Some call it sovereign will, all I know is you the boss
And man, I'm so at ease, I'm so content
I'll play the background, like it's an instrument
-Lecrae...Background
