I've been there....I promise I have.

As I sit here in my mancave at my "new"ly set up desk area, fresh off of cleaning up the whole downstairs and the upstairs due to guests coming over I found my thoughts floating to a place they often go.

Now I understand all of us at times wonder why? Why did life fall to us the way it did? Why am I the one that had that happen to me in high school and just the other day was affected by a new medical diagnosis? I understand that these and ones like them are questions we all ask, and I myself find myself asking at times. I've had many of these occasions in my life...and will sadly probably have more.

Like the time I sat in my car outside of church one morning holding an engagement ring which minutes prior had rested on the hand of the girl I'd asked to marry me and spend our lives together. (Love now that this never did occur!)

I can remember the night I debated if it was all worth it...and seriously entertained the idea that it wasn't.

Or the time I heard my grandpa had passed away in his sleep.

Then there was that time in high school when I realized I couldn't go on in a sport God blessed me with ability in. I just couldn't enjoy it anymore given circumstances out of my control...giving up D-I scholarship offers, which I never could find the courage to tell my parents about till years later due to all the time and money they'd invested in baseball over the years.

I also remember the minute...no the second that my aunt and mother of two very young children had lost her battle with cancer.

Or the time in our young marriage that I felt I'd all but thrown it away and ruined it. Lisa had every right to be upset and I had no one to blame but myself. An addiction had grew to the point it was on the verge of taking the very thing I loved the most, my newlywed wife Lisa.

I share all that to let you know I've been there. I've been to the bottom of the "barrel" as the expression states. Yes each of us have in our own ways. We wanna scream and shout "Why?!"

We are so hurt or distraught that we don't even realize the beauty and blessing which only those times can provide: peace.

Now I'm not talking a peace like put your guns away and say no to bullying type of peace. Nope. I'm talking about a peace which I will attempt to but in my opinion words cannot fully explain. I will merely state it is beyond compare. It is a peace which isn't felt, but at the same time you feel it. A peace which you can't experience, however once felt you want to share with others the experience you had. A peace which a quiet joy which at the same time is the loudest joy and happiness one can ever feel.

You see the one thing which all those occasions have in common is that the only thing that got me through is realizing I couldn't get through them. Nothing I did could. In one case it was the inability to see past the hurt someone had released on me, another was the pain of losing a family member I felt was unjustified and another yet was the despair I felt which had swallowed me whole.

But, it was at the moments of my deepest depths of despair and the acknowledgement of the fact I COULD DO NOTHING TO CHANGE...that was when He was. I can't say that this  was when He stepped in, because to be honest I know He was always right there...I just refused to see it, or couldn't due to the reasons excuses stated before. He was always there, ready and willing to take my hand...however it wasn't till I 100% realized I couldn't do anything that I saw Him ready to be there...He was merely waiting on me to stop refusing Him.

That is why I strive daily to realize I'm nothing special. I'm someone who deserves nothing, accomplishes nothing...if it isn't done with His hand in mine...for in the end I grew to know I, Tylan Miller am incapable of anything unless That hand is in mine.

Psalm 139: 8-10 If I go to the heavens, You are there: if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on wings of the dawn, you are there. If I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

This is why I strive to be the man He can be proud of at the end of each day. I have yet to accomplish that perfect day but I'm never going to stop trying, for He deserves that and so much more. He deserves to have my life be all the proof people need of His love. I don't have to be great at quoting scripture or sharing the Gospel with words...I simply need to let my life be the proof. The proof that I've been there, I promise I have...and have come out the other side by nothing I did. 

Lord let Your grace rain down on all who read this...for they are your beloved.

I want to introduce you to someone very special...

There haven't been many times in my life where I've been as excited to key in words than for this write up right here, right now. With this post I get to express gratitude, admiration and respect for quite possibly my greatest friend God has blessed me with on this Earth outside of my wife.

Let me start from the beginning. The place was Middlebury, IN...the public library to be exact and it would have been sometime in the summer of 1991 or 1992 as I can't remember the exact age I was. We would meet in a summer workshop type thing where all I can remember is getting snacks and being read to by a sweet lady from the library. He and I hit it off quickly from what my mom tells me and instantly became good friends.

I guess in the coming years we would be bookends to each other and truly were together as much as we possibly could be. He shared the little league fields with me, summer swimming lessons and many an imaginary "battles" out in our yards during our elementary days.

As we progressed through our grade levels our friendship continued to grow to what some would consider brotherhood not just friendship. I knew he had my back and he knew I had his above all else. If it wasn't for him I probably would never had made it through the heartaches of dating, engagement breaking up and the dilemmas I faced in high school and college which at the time I felt were insurmountable.

He was there a few years back when I said "I do" to my lovely Lisa and is someone I go to when I feel I'm failing at being the man and husband God has called me to be. He never understands why I go to him, but if you knew him you'd understand. He's the type of guy you can't help but admire for his amazing relationship with God and how everything surrounds that. An example would be what he told me when he met his now wife April and how he knew that she was the one, "She loves God more than me Ty." That was always what he stated he was looking for in a future spouse to share this life with.

This man has since been blessed with two gorgeous daughters, and I'd be understating it if I said he is an amazing dad. He's the kind of dad which movies are made about. I can only pray that someday I am able to be the father he is to my future children.

That shouldn't be too hard though and actually I know I will be better...because you see my friend really isn't a father. As a matter of fact he's not even married. While we're at it I guess I should share that he was not able to make it to my wedding, and to be honest he didn't even send a card. He never was there for me in high school...and I have no idea if he even grew up in Middlebury.

Actually I do know he didn't, because the man I've shared about was actually ABORTED. He sadly never got a chance to meet me, be there for me. He never grew to be a brother to me, a father to his daughters and a loving husband to his wife. He never got a chance...and the sad truth is he never will. I don't know the circumstances of his abortion, but how I wish his mother would have considered giving him a chance.

So I apologize for wasting your time, sometimes I forget my friend actually doesn't exist. I'll be honest though, despite his non-existence he has taught me the importance of life and how it should be protected.

I pray I never forget the friend I didn't have.